The scariest thing I've ever had to do was watch myself on video.
Actually, that's wrong.
The first scariest thing is watching myself on video. The second scariest thing is sharing this with you.
Guys, I saw myself.
I purposely didn't put makeup on, dress in nice clothes, or primp my environment. I wanted real authentic me (which mostly means comfort).
Blargh. Ugh. Ew.
The internal monologue begins:
"Gahh I didn't know my eye was really that lazy! What is that in the background? God, I look awful when I'm not smiling. Double chins."
Did I mention I made it through less than 1 minute of the video before I started saying those things and decided to write this post? I repeat: blargh.
I was noticing all of the physical things about myself that I didn't know I didn't like. What I wasn't noticing was my soul.
My soul is beautiful. My soul is sparkly. My soul is wise. My soul knows better than to focus on the superficiality of my physical traits.
Yet I still thought those ugly things. And I can't take it back. My face is there. I'm out there.
Let me tell you the story.
I did an interview for my dear friend and mentor Meg Haines, who I've talked about many times in my previous posts. Today, she emailed it to her subscribers and followers. I'm on YouTube. I mean, after all, it is called YOU Tube. Oh, look there I am.
My gut clenches. My solar plexus chakra contracts. What did I do? (visualize the meme of the dog on fire saying "this is fine")
2 hours ago I was introvert Meaghan. But now I can't hide anymore. I'm out. THERE. Where the world can see me. People can see the real unscripted me. The internet...I'm on it. I'm vulnerable.
Yes, I have Facebook (it's private). Yes, I have Instagram (just made it public - more on that vomit inducing moment later). Yes, I have a website with my name on it (I don't advertise or publicize it). You see that while I have a few public facing social media pages out there, I've always found a way to keep myself unseen.
It's not quite the same as having your friend send your face and your voice out there for the Interwebs to see. To judge. To dislike. The fear creeps in.
When Meg voxed (Voxer - super cool app, look it up, we can chat!) me and asked if I would do a zoom interview.
"What? Why? What do you DO that is worth sharing? What could you say that would be worth other people hearing?"
I was scared. I voiced my fears to Meg. With a bit of reassurance I pushed past it. Why the hell not, I think. It's easier to get past the fear if you just run really quickly towards it! Don't give yourself a chance to think. Don't give yourself the chance to say no. Just run towards it.
This was the same reaction I had when some divine guidance (intuition, higher self) nudged me that I should make my IG public so that others could share my experiences and divine downloads. Physical wrenching of organs. You mean, I have to put myself out there without fear or hesitation?
But I did it. And it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. The jury's out on the YT video - we'll see how I feel once I've actually watched all of it.
It's really effing scary putting yourself out there. I had no idea until tonight. I have a lot of respect for anyone who gets in front of the camera (didn't you know my background is photography? I much prefer being behind the camera!) It's a vulnerable process. I didn't know that 58 seconds of watching myself would churn up with innermost parts of my critical self that hadn't yet accepted the fact that I am worthy (I betcha Meg did though - sneaky lass).
Whatever foolish thing comes out of my mouth: I'm still worthy. Whatever I look like: I'm still worthy. Whatever anyone else thinks or says about me I'm still worthy. Because worth has nothing to do with anyone else except me. And I've realized that...
My worth is innate, inherent, and irrevocable.
Now I'm gonna go watch the rest of my interview and instead of criticisms, I'll look upon myself with compassion because I know that no one will judge me as harshly as me and my soul knows that I don't deserve that. Because I am worthy.
When we shed our constrictive raiment of fear and embrace vulnerability, only then can we truly understand our worthiness.
So here's a selfie of me because I'm a glutton for punishment and if it so happens that you want to watch the interview, click on over here.
Because you're worth it (L'Oreal knows),